When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
