yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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