Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
