I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
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I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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