HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
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He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
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Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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