I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
