she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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