I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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