Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
