there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
it's great music for shaving your balls
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
