He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
