I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
