You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
