I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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