xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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