I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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