god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
