My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
