True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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