Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
