Did you just see the Batmobile???
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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