you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
