Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
