I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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