He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you had me at cake vodka
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
