i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
