Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
