thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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