is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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