I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
