I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
