We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
