I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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