Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We need to get me chipped asap
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
