You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
