I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
