What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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