p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
