Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
