i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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