i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
