I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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