My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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