I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
