is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
