If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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