tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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