I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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