Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
