Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
