If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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