Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
