if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
