since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
