I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
