Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
