Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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