I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
