the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
