hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just gargled with NyQuil
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
