Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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