Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
