I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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