I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
