I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I AM VODKA MAN
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
