I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
