I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just pynch a tree in the face
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
