His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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